Manners (Still) Matter: Blogging for the Art of Etiquette

Thoughts on Going Dutch

2010-12-29T04:18:00.000-08:00

Who should take the bill is one of the thorniest issues in modern dating.
There is no hard and fast rule because much depends on each person's cultural background and upbringing.

Personally, I subscribe to the 'old-fashioned', European model of dating, in which the man is expected to take the bill up until the first three dates. After that, it is to be worked out between the individuals. For example, they may wish to go dutch but treat each other for special occasions. Or take turns. This will depend on whether one person is an income-earner while the other is a student, whom invites whom, etc.
Should the girl offer to pay for her part during the initial encounters? It may be a considerate gesture to do so, but one that should be refused by her date.

The old fashioned approach is often criticized for being outdated as it precedes the rise of the modern self-sufficient, income-earning, career woman. North Americans in particular tend to assimilate the fact of paying for a woman with the issue of her independence. I think this is silly. Taking the bill may subliminally send the message that 'I want to take care of you and am able to do it', but I think this gesture shows consideration and a desire to please the other person, rather than threatening anyone's civil rights! Personally, I think there is something true - albeit crude - to the old Hungarian saying, 'befektetes nelkul nincs lefektetes', which literally means no bedding without investing.

Finally, the North American affinity for going dutch seems to based on the idea that nowadays, women and men are on equal footing in dating. If that were truly the case, then why do most woman still wait to be asked out instead of taking initiative? And who waits by the phone (or brings their cell phone into the bathroom) in anticipation for that confirmation phone call? Last time I checked, it was not my male friends.

Le Saberage: How to Open a Bottle of Champagne like a Dashing Young Officer

2010-06-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

If you wish to celebrate an important event with some bubbly, you might as well do it with Winston Churchill's favourite, Pol Roger. For added razzle dazzle, open the bottle with a sword. Click here for detailed video instructions on how to perform this heroic feat, known as "le saberage."

Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner?

2010-04-04T17:10:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, I experience a lull in inspiration for this blog, which essentially means that everyone around me is behaving themselves - but this is not one of those times. There is weird karma in the air this week, which must in part explain why one of the most hospitable and spiritual people that I know broke a cardinal rule of etiquette at my expense. In short, he invited me into his home to enjoy a holiday dinner with his family, and then, the night before the set date, he uninvited me! What’s more, he did this through a facebook message. Apparently, his living room would 'be too packed’ if I came along. So what is the very important lesson to be distilled from this? An invitation is irrevocable, unless, that is, the host comes down with the flu or their house catches fire.

Sulky silver medal winners

2010-02-26T16:48:00.000-08:00

It seems that one of the first lessons a parent teaches their child is how NOT to be a sore loser - because as we all know, life is not only about winning! Then why did the members of the USA women's hockey team look like they were attending a funeral while receiving their silver medals? Moping on the podium does not set a good example for other aspiring athletes and certainly falls short of the Olympic spirit. The notion of sportsmanship is as much about one's attitude in the face of challenges/disappointments, as it is about taking the prize. So smile ladies!

(Photo by Brian Peterson, Star Tribune, Feb.26, 2010)

L’Chaims on the Slopes

2010-02-24T15:27:00.000-08:00

The other day, I discovered that spending 10 minutes in a gondola with 6 people who reek of x# of beers is not nearly as much fun as going to an Irish pub. O yes, and let’s not forget #7, who was sipping from his mini- scotch bottle (compliments of Air Canada) for most of the ride. While my usual response to ‘overly refreshed’ individuals is “l’chaim!!!”, here, I just kept thinking “once we get off this gondola, please please ski to the left, and I’ll ski to the right.” To my great relief, that’s exactly what happened.

While I think that preventing skiing under the influence should be left to the security patrol of the ski resorts, rather than the etiquette gurus, current laws in North America/UK do not explicitly prohibit this sort of activity. (In fact, even Vancouver Olympic gold medal winner Bode Miller once admitted to liking the challenge of skiing drunk!) So as long as we don't have people administering breathalizer tests on the mountaintops, the burden rests on the advocates of good behaviour from the non-legal realm to promote sobriety on the slopes.

(Image by GETTY, from Anna Tyzack, "Ski jobs: A seasonaire's guide to working on the slopes", 21. Oct. 2008, Telegraph.co.uk online)

Beethoven, Brahms and the Etiquette of Audience Applause

2010-02-23T20:12:00.000-08:00

I just returned from a concert at my local symphony orchestra, which hosted violinist Vadim Repin for a program featuring Beethoven and Brahms. But since me, myself and Mlle M have become inseparable entitities, instead of channeling the violin virtuoso before me, I found myself mentally blogging about the disruptive comportment of the audience for much of the night. Here are the fruits of my labour (or should I say, addiction?!) on the subject of concert audience etiquette:

Firstly, be on time because jumping over a row of knees is not fun for anyone.

Second, unless you wish to advertise that you are a novice concert-goer, applauding between movements is a big no-no. The idea is that it is only appropriate to applaud after the completion of a given piece. As a general rule, each movement is part of a unified whole, and any noise from the audience disturbs this unity.

Finally, at the end of the performance, stay seated while applauding! I found it to be out of place when, after the finale, my fellow concert-attendees leaped to their feet, yeeying and wooing, as if Repin was the Beatles reincarnated. Such behaviour is permissible (and even welcome) at rock/pop concerts, but in venues where classical music is performed, standing ovations should be the exception, and not the rule.

For a wonderfully amusing account of the history of audience applause, read music critic Alex Ross' blog post here.

An affair to forget, or, a note on treading the sometimes fine line between prudeness and politesse

2010-02-23T09:43:00.001-08:00

I've never been a fan of seeing PODs (public displays of affection), but I have also never been truly tempted to put a stop to them...that is, until the other day, when while serenely working at the library, I began hearing deep breathing, smacking sounds, and some disturbingly rhythmic computer chair squeeking, all emanating from nearby. As I glimpsed at the 'spectacle' unfolding only few inches away, exactly two thoughts came to mind: 1. yuck. and 2. PODs in the library have far less aesthetic appeal than the ones I actually enjoy watching on the silver screen (Deborah Kerr & Cary Grant from An Affair to Remember come to mind..)

As I tried to focus on the page in front of me, I wondered "should I should say something? Or better yet, call security?" Not wishing to be a prude, I opted for silence, but in retrospect, I shouldn't have. After all, it's one thing to be affectionate and it's quite another to be "pawing" in front of someone else's face (that person's actions essentially spell out: "I don't give a damn about you or anyone else around"). People might engage in PODs because they lack self-awareness or are simply indifferent - but it is never too late to change that, one happy couple at a time.

(AP photo from Flickr)

A brief note on ordering for your date

2010-02-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

It seems that mucho macho men have a nasty habit of ordering on behalf of their dates, so here goes:

Dear Macho Guy,
If you must know, I love my steak & frites, so don’t try to anticipate my likes and dislikes and assume that I want what you want - fish! It is NOT classy to assert control over a lady friend or someone you have invited out, by ordering for them without asking. Even if I seem hesitant and choose to deliberate over the menu for fifteen minutes + (which is not unusual), then that’s merely part of the fabulous dining experience with me, and not your cue to jump in there! So in the future, MG, even if you wish to be romantic by ordering me a flirtini on a whim, please don’t - because chances are, I like my martini dirty.

Housewarming with body heat...brrrr

2010-02-21T19:33:00.001-08:00

What is a “party” in 2010? After attending another BYOB (bring-your-own-booze)house party, I am convinced that anything qualifies as one. The only thing warming up this particular home was the body heat generated by all the guests. So BYOB was actually BYOE (bring-your-own-everything), with complimentary walls provided to protect you from the biting winter chill. I have always regarded providing guests with nibbles, drinks and furniture to sit on, as fundamental elements of hospitality – but maybe my perspective on matters is outdated. Could standards have changed so greatly with the times?

“Here is a gift I didn’t bring for you” or, a Note on the Subtle Art of Gift-Giving

2010-01-29T20:53:00.000-08:00

The other night, I had dinner with two friends of mine who had just returned from exotic travels. Both of them had brought back a bag of kitchy items, which included souvenirs for me. I was touched by this unexpected gesture – but my sentiment was short-lived! Instead of offering the gifts with the usual “I thought of you, so here is a little something,” they resorted to such strange ways of gift-giving that they inspired me to create categories of gift-givers, which self-proclaimed classy persons should avoiding falling into:

• The barterer: Giving the gift, and then a few minutes later uttering, “oops, actually that gift was not intended for you, can I swop that purse from Spain for a pretty key chain from Greece?” and then attempting to take back the original gift. (On principle, I refuse to negotiate with my gift-giver, what you give, you cannot get back! Not to mention I needed a purse for my coins, so thank you friend.)

• The self-content gift-giver: “This is a really pretty gift that I bought you” or “This gift was really expensive, I hope you like it!” No matter how much you like your own gift, or how much it cost you, please don’t praise yourself or your good taste, while engaged in the act of gift-giving. Gift-giving is supposed to be about the OTHER person and not you – so be humble!

• The akwardly honest gift-giver: "I hope you like this bracelet! There was a slightly prettier one in the store, but it was more expensive, and since I already had to pay for a train ticket [to get to your party], I got you the cheaper one." When faced with the choice of being polite vs. being honest, choose polite!

• The theoretical gift-giver/the ethereal gift: I cannot believe how many times it’s happened to me that someone says “Ahh, I bought you back a gift from Holland and almost broke my back lugging it across the European continent” - and then the next time you see them, it’s as if they forgot that they had told you this, and the gift is never to be seen! (There goes my dream of unwrapping a tall, blonde Dutchman of my very own!).

Manners for Manners' sake?

2010-01-29T20:33:00.000-08:00

Aside from the occasional updates on the texts of etiquette guru, Emily Post, and the odd publications aimed at helping businessmen avoid missteps in inter-cultural negotiations, etiquette is rarely talked about today, and practiced even less. For reasons unknown to me, it has now become an eroding art. And it is an art - because like any artistic talent, it must be learned and developed over time, and it is always a work in progress!

Post says it best when she writes that the easiest way to think of manners is "consideration." She notes "all good manners are based on thoughtfulness for others." This blog is intended to once and for all do away with the notion that etiquette is an esoteric past-time and demonstrate how anyone and everyone CAN and SHOULD strive to know and practice rules of etiquette because "Politeness is to do and say, the kindest thing in the kindest way." (Post, 1975, v.)

Adhering to the rules of etiquette is hard work as it demands a lot of self-questioning, in the most mundane of situations to the most formal occasions. “Was I a polite guest or did I overstay my welcome?” “Should I take the bill?” “Should I not have told him to pop a gum after he kissed me with onion-breath?” and many more queries.

I am a firm believer that it is preferable (and certainly more fun!) to learn from other people’s mistakes. I therefore propose to chronicle the faux-pas of the people in my life for the amusement of my readers (and perhaps - I dare say - for their edification). This may appear to be online “finger-pointing” – but please note that I have never called my friends and acquaintances rude to their face! Hence, my pseudonym: Mlle M.

Since the state of etiquette varies over time & place, I myself am often at a loss as to what constitutes good form in the new millennium. I hope my readers will generously contribute their thoughts on these matters.

Now, let the faux-pas countdown begin!